Since it's clearly no big deal for George Lucas to continuously tinker, tweak and outright overhaul the movies he's either directed or produced...three other cinematic titans of his generation have decided to fuck around with their films in order to appeal to the next generation...






MARTIN SCORSESE weighs in first...



Taxi Driver - in this day and age, the ending just doesn't cut it anymore.  Fuck, it was the cherry on top of the sundae John Hinckley wolfed down before trying to deep-six Reagan.  To make it more PC, let's fade to black after the bloodbath.  Reuse the footage of Bickle with the finger to his temple, but I'll have one of the Geek Squad CGI a gun into his hand.  Freeze-frame, gunshot, the end.  Lesson learned.



Goodfellas - it's so 20th century.  No way does that soundtrack "play" today.  Kids don't know and don't wanna hear "Layla" or "Monkey Man".   Stupid next generation.  Fine, I'll replace them with Eminem and Katy Perry.  No, wait...Enimem might not have enough cross-appeal, and who wants to hear that Perry chick without seeing her tits?  Got it -- I'll take all the music out and make it exclusively a Gaga for Goodfellas soundtrack.



Raging Bull - clearly it needs to be in color.  Duh.



FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA takes a break from his three bottle of wine lunch to chime in...



Apocalypse Now - what, you think Steven had problems with that fucking robot shark?  Try working with a fat psychotic asshole like Brando!  I know, people thought the way I shot the Kurtz scenes was all artsy, spooky and chilling.  Ooh-la-fucking-la.  But today -- you can't have shit being so dark and static.  So I'll take that fat fuck's face and CGI-graft it onto a leaner body.  Any body will do -- as practically anyone would be an improvement over His Lardassness.  He'll still say "The horror, the horror", but then he'll do a Michael Jackson-like pirouette and fall to the ground dead.



The Godfather - I watch Sonny getting blown away now, and I might as well be watching a dude being pelted with ketchup packets.  Squib city.  Let's CGI the fuck out of that scene.  I've also checked out both Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead -- and apparently people need to see horses being maimed.  They eat that equestri-cide shit up.  So let's insert a shot of the headless horse in the stable while that old bastard is screaming.



The Godfather II - screw DeNiro and his Oscar-winning bullshit.  Let's take some old footage of Brando (that fat fuck) from Guys and Dolls and digitally slap that puss on the young Vito Corelone.  C'mon, in this day and age, no one would believe DeNiro would become an old cartoon of himself 30 years later.



Rumblefish - clearly it needs to be in color.  Duh.




And finally, STEVEN SPIELBERG has some thoughts as well...



Jaws - fuck the behind-the-scenes stories of how hard it was to work with the mechanical shark, which led to not revealing it until an hour or so into the film.  Booo-ring.  The stuff DVD extras that nobody watches are made of.  CGI solves everything, so let's see a souped-up, sleek and scary Bruce 2.0 in the first hour as well as the rest of the film.  Hell, we don't want people to ever forget what the movie is about, since youngsters today have shorter attention spans than your average housecat.  So make sure that digitized dorsal-finned fucker appears on screen every five minutes.



Close Encounters of the Third Kind - the ships look Christmas ornaments as seen through the eyes of a meth addict, and don't get me started on those aliens.  CGI to the rescue.  Actually, I'll call up Cameron, see if we can make a deal for some outtakes from Avatar, and insert THOSE ships.  And those five notes -- just don't do it for me.  Honestly, who uses a keyboard that big?  Paul Shaffer?  The tech dude should be rocking an mp3 player, and let's replace those five notes with something like...Lady Gaga.



E.T. - I know, I know...I screwed around with this already, replacing the guns with flashlights.  That's what spending a night doing tequila shots and Tang with George will do to you.  Fucking George would remove the rifle from the hunter in Bambi if he owned the rights.  But I got an even better idea for E.T.   Drew will do anything for her ol' Uncle Stevie, so why not reshoot all the Gertie scenes with her NOW and digitally pop her into all those shots.  Sure, Gertie goes from 5 to 35 - but it gives the movie the one thing it didn't have before -- sex appeal (a.k.a. tits)!



Raiders of the Lost Ark - well, George has never liked Indy shooting the sword-wielding dude, so let's insert a few quick cuts.  CGI the sword being hurled at Indy, grab a clip of Indy diving to his right, digitize it into the same background, and he squeezes off a shot -- and cut back to the guy collapsing.  And can we lose the swastikas?  Didn't you people see Captain America?  Wipe them out and replace them with some sort of frowny-face insignia.  That way we'll still know they're the bad guys.



Oh, and add some effects to the whip, let's make it an electric whip -- the lightsaber of whips.  George will love that!



Schindler's List - clearly it needs to be in color.  Duh.


And maybe lose the Jewish references too.




No word on whether the disintegrating bones of Michael Curtiz or Orson Welles have any comments on proposed changes to Casablanca or Citizen Kane...








Talk about Scot's article here: http://www.criticalmess.net/index.php?topic=15422.msg355504#msg355504

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