by Hater on March 21, 2009, 07:38:00 AM
Season 2 - The Last Will and Testament of the Superfriends!
by Haterade
This is MATT BRADY of NEWSARAMA, REPORTING from “EARTH Z!” The ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE is UPON US!
As you can see from the GHOULISH MAYHEM BEHIND ME, ZOMBIE-FEVER has gripped both the MARVEL and DC UNIVERSES!
And if DC’s plans for THE BLACKEST NIGHT are any indication, we’ll be DROWNING in the UNDEAD throughout all of 2009!
And now our NEWSARAMA EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the SUPREME MAYOR OF PLANET BULLSHIT—errr—I mean DC COMICS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, THE DAN DIDIO of EARTH-2!
LET THE SOFTBALLS BEGIN, SHILLY! And I’m actually from EARTH 5—which was formerly EARTH S! Only GRANT MORRISON can keep this 52 parallel earths shit STRAIGHT!
Speaking of GRANT MORRISON, his new DC series stars a CALCULUS PROBLEM, a WHALEBONE, and the GLORIOUS GODFREY of EARTH 51, as they have SEX with a figment of a HARVEY KEITEL’s imagination! They battle against OXYGEN PARTICLES exhaled by GEORGE WASHINGTON’S dying breath that achieved SENTIENCE, powered by ANTI-TACHYONS found only in the BLEED! The entire story takes place on the head of a PIN!
Sounds RIVETING! How DOES GRANT MORRISON do it?
Grant’s so smart, even I have no idea what his comics are ABOUT! But ZOMBIE SUPER-HEROES is a concept so DERIVATIVE and SIMPLE, even my LIMITED INTELLECT gets it! I decided to rip off the idea back in 2005, when Marvel Comics’ Mark Millar and Robert Kirkman started running the flesh-eating ghouls into the GROUND!
And now, thanks to THE BLACKEST NIGHT, ALL DEAD DC CHARACTERS ARE ALIVE AGAIN as ZOMBIES! If you bought the comics featuring those previous THROWAWAY DEATHS, you’re just a FANBOY SUCKER!
Now that the MARTIAN MANHUNTER and EARTH 2 SUPERMAN LIVE ONCE MORE, albeit as ZOMBIES, imagine the fun I can have KILLING THEM ALL OVER AGAIN!
You really DO only have one play in the Didio playbook, don’t you?
Internet critics have accused me, MATT BRADY, of not asking you the TOUGH QUESTIONS! Of being a glorified PRESS SECRETARY for DC! So here it comes! Dan Didio…you have presided over an era of COUNTLESS MEANINGLESS DEATHS of BELOVED CHARACTERS… The “BIG EVENT” you pimped to fix the mess you made—FINAL CRISIS was deemed an INCOMPREHENSIBLE MESS! And now between Zombies and the fact that all dead characters are alive somewhere in the multiverse of “52,” all of the stories you have told are basically POINTLESS! So here’s the question, Dan…
What’s your favorite COLOR?
BLACK! IT’S SLIMMING!
OH, to HELL with all the COY PRETENSES! I can’t hide my FEELINGS any LONGER! DAN DIDIO, I, MATT BRADY WOULD LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE INTERNET!
Blast these INTERNET SHILLS and their SCHOOLGIRL CRUSHES! Didio doesn’t HUMP the HELP! I think I’ll start giving my EXCUSIVES to that MORBIDLY OBESE LARDASS HARRY KNOWLES of "AINTITCOOLNEWS!"
Dan, WAIT! COME BACK, you SEXY BEAST! COME BACK!!!
I’ll have time for an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with Dan Didio after my MID-DAY SNACK! Covering this ROMERO-LIKE Zombie Earth makes HARRY HUNGRY! Actually BREATHING makes me HUNGRY, but a Zombie Apocalypse is as good excuse as ANY!
ZOMBIE HULK eat BLOATED FATBAG HARRY KNOWLES of AINTITCOOLNEWS! Harry’s WHALE-LIKE BLUBBER should feed HULK for WEEKS!
The fact that I’m being DEVOURED by ZOMBIES will not affect MICHAEL CRAWFORD’S REVIEW! Your lackluster MARVEL SELECT SCULPT only merits a measly TWO-STARS!
PICS of COLONEL AMERICA eating my LIVER is another ACTIONFIGUREINSIDER EXCLUSIVE! JULIUS MARX would MUCH rather be EATEN by the MATTEL JLU FIGURES I practically WORSHIP, but C’EST LA VIE!
STAN LEE! We want…to eat…your OCTOGENARIAN BRAINS…
Who knew when YOURS TRULY coined the catchy term “MARVEL ZOMBIE” it would come back to bite me in my ever-loving ass! LITERALLY!
WALLOPING WEB-SNAPPERS! SENSATIONAL SPIDEY is a MARVEL ZOMBIE, and SMILIN’ STAN is on his DEADLY DINNER MENU, PILGRIM!
BACK the FUCK AWAY from STAN LEE you ZOMBIE CUNTS!
Sorry, Cap! But I won’t let you RAPE MY CHILDHOOD by eating STAN THE MAN!
YEAH, BOYEEEE! You just FUCKING TOTALLY KILLED COLONEL AMERICA!
STAN LEE! Come with us if you want to LIVE!
FOR saving SMILING STAN’S ever-loving SKIN, consider yourselves honorary members in GOOD-STANDING of the MERRY MARVEL MARCHING SOCIETY, Irving Forbush, President!
Fuck! I thought we’d at least get a NO-PRIZE from the old bastard!
SHAZZA-ZING!
HURM.
RORSCHACH’S JOURNAL. DR. MANHATTAN RESURRECTED RORSCHACH TWO WEEKS AGO, after KILLING RORSCHACH at ADRIAN VEIDT’S COMPOUND in 1985. UNSURE WHY. ONE THING CERTAIN. Whoring out of ALAN MOORE’S SACRED WATCHMEN continues, no one seems to care we are THINLY-VEILED RIPOFFS of STEVE DITKO’S CHARLTON CHARACTERS.
STRANGE EVENTS HAPPENING. SOMEONE MURDERING ALEX TOTH-DESIGNED CHARACTERS. INVESTIGATING REPORTS OF TWO LEX LUTHORS in UNDERWORLD. IMPOSSIBLE. DOCTOR DOOM MAROONED LUTHOR in FAR FUTURE in seldom seen DDT SEASON 1.
RORSCHACH will get ANSWERS from blonde degenerate WINO.
No need to BREAK MY FINGERS, RORSCHACH! KAMANDI will tell you EVERYTHING you want to know! How did LEX LUTHOR and I ARRIVE in the PRESENT, you ask? The story begins in EARTH’S FAR FUTURE…
Is this how it ENDS for LEX LUTHOR? LOST IN TIME, TRAPPED in a POST-APOCALYPTIC FAR FUTURE?
For SUSTENANCE, I’ve been forced to EAT MY HORSE! Let’s SEE… what looks GOOD today-- HEAD OR HOOF?
You there! HUMAN! I am KAMANDI, the LAST BOY on EARTH!
A JACK KIRBY CREATION, eh? Tell me, KAMANDI, how did this BACKWARDS SOCIETY get started—one where FILTHY BEASTS RULE and HUMANS are the ANIMALS?
You speak of THE GREAT DISASTER! The answers you SEEK are in the RUINED CITY—in the CAVE that holds the TABLET OF REVELATION! It is MANY, MANY MILES from here! We’ll have to travel on FOOT!
I seem to be without TRANSPORTATION, kid… And LEX LUTHOR does not “HOOF IT!”
MUSH, KAMANDI! MUSH!
Behold, LEX LUTHOR! The ANSWERS you SEEK! WITNESS the HISTORY of the GREAT DISASTER!
I FUCKING KNEW IT! According to these ANCIENT HIEROGLYPHS from issue 29 of your CLASSIC SERIES, SUPERMAN’s attempt to save the EARTH BACKFIRED! That KRYPTONIAN SWINE was RESPONSIBLE for THE GREAT DISASTER! And all this time I assumed it was DAN DIDIO’S EDITORIAL REIGN that caused it!
This HORRENDOUS FUTURE must be AVERTED! KAMANDI! We must TRAVEL BACK IN TIME and KILL SUPERMAN!
Luthor will need to BUILD A CRUDE SPACECRAFT with TIMEWARP! I’ll need some SHARP STONES and a RUDIMENTARY LATHE! 
How about a ROCKET SHIP? 
THERE IT IS! It crashed here MANY MOONS ago!
It’s at best a DILAPIDATED, RUSTED, HUSK! Not even FLIGHTWORTHY! But for LEX LUTHOR, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Friend Luthor—KAMANDI will help you FIX this STRANGE FLYING MACHINE! But I have one FAVOR to ask...
We’ve DONE IT, KAMANDI! We’ve arrived at EARTH in the 21st CENTURY! And now, Lex Luthor will accommodate your REQUEST!
 Before we save the UNIVERSE, we’re going to SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE, BITCH!
Lex Luthor is INDEED MASTER OF THE BUMPER CARS! Out of my WAY, DOLT!
Yes, VILE CARNIE TRASH, LEX LUTHOR will ride your insipid TILT-A-WHIRL! Now move your hepatitic ass aside! You disgusting old CROW!
...Grateful for my help in escaping a DYSTOPIAN JACK KIRBY FUTURE, Lex bought me one last COTTON CANDY at the end of the day. At the time, naïve, innocent boy from the future that I was, I thought Luthor and I were BFFs!
But then Lex sold me to his homeboy SIR PIMPALOT as a SEX SLAVE! SOB!
Sorry, KAMANDI! But what ELSE is LEX LUTHOR supposed to do with a SHIRTLESS, BLONDE WHITE BOY in cut-off DAISY DUKES?
Please, NO MORE BEATINGS, SIR PIMPALOT! Your PIMP HAND is TOO STRONG! KAMANDI will do whatever you ASK!
I soon TURNED TRICKS like a pro and made a TIDY PROFIT for MYSELF.
Luthor, meanwhile, learned what had happened while he was lost in the far future! Superman was DEAD! Killed by ALEX ROSS in his MAD QUEST to remake all DC CHARACTERS in his own BLOATED IMAGE!
NOBODY fucking KILLS SUPERMAN but ME! NOBODY!
Luthor returned to LEXCORP, where his own SECURITY DETAIL denied him ACCESS! They said the REAL LEX LUTHOR was upstairs in his PENTHOUSE! An IMPOSTER had stolen Lex’s IDENTITY!
Lex discovered that DR. SIVANA had SURGICALLY ALTERED DR. BENTON QUEST, father of JONNY QUEST, to take his place! It seems ALEX ROSS had gotten a down-on-his-luck DR. QUEST to help him slay the classically-designed characters of ALEX TOTH, and help bring about his overrated, overhyped KINGDOM COME FUTURE!
I should also mention that I was paid handsomely to be GANG-BANGED by Alex Ross and his wretched LEGION of ROSS yesterday! Between his vile purple orgasms, Sinestro said they were all going to SUPERMAN’S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE to SLAY the last of the surviving ALL-TOTHS!
Tough Decision. Stop Alex Ross or stop Lex Luthor. Decide Alex Ross is BIGGER THREAT. Even though Rorschach’s TRACK RECORD with SECRET ARCTIC FORTRESSES is SHIT, will travel to FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. Decide to bring the MAN-WHORE with me for FUNSIES.
SHAZZA-ZING!
So this is how it ends for the GODDAMN FRANK MILLER. Bleeding to death in a filthy, URINE-SOAKED GUTTER. Like a LOSER. Like a CHUMP.
The SPIRIT movie I wrote and directed BOMBED. I got my ass kicked by an ANIMATED MOUSE, a movie about a CHILD-MOLESTING PRIEST, and TOM CRUISE dressed as a NAZI. Cough-Cough! STUPID FUCKING AUDIENCES don’t appreciate my GRIM and GRITTY GENIUS…
There he is—the DIRTY BASTARD that threw me off the rooftop. THE SPIRIT. Will Eisner’s CLASSIC version. He flips me the bird as my LIFEBLOOD oozes down the city’s SEWERS like so much SEPTIC SLIME.
Hey, MILLER! DAILY VARIETY says your CRAPPY MOVIE about me “PLUNGES INTO A WATERY GRAVE and SPENDS THE NEXT 100 MINUTES GASPING FOR AIR!” HOLLYWOOD REPORTER calls it “TRULY A MESS” and “SILLY!” Way to FUCK UP MY MOVIE, you tough-talking EMO!
It wasn’t supposed to END THIS WAY…Hours ago I had invited LEX LUTHOR and MANUEL DOS TACOS to my weekly S&M PARTY. I wanted to keep them distracted, as I planned to kill them ALL KINDS OF DEAD…
The MARQUIS de FRANK is going to PUNISH YOUR LITTLE BOTTOM and turn it BRIGHT RED, my little TWINK!
DOS TACOS! Are you enjoying your complementary FLOGGING? Perhaps you’d like a free ENEMA courtesy of KINKY FRANK?
Dos Tacos is not interested in your HIGH COLONICS, MILLER! My boss ALEX ROSS needs HARD CASH if he’s to continue remaking the DC UNIVERSE in his own DOUGHY IMAGE!
 …I led Alex Ross’ errand boys DOS TACOS and LEX LUTHOR down to my SEX DUNGEON. There’s only room for ONE ICON in COMICS. FRANK FUCKING MILLER. . A MESSAGE needed to be SENT. These bald cocksuckers were as good as DEAD, they just didn’t know it yet.
Meet my pissboy, ROB LIEFELD! He’s UNTALENTED, UNEMPLOYABLE and can’t seem to draw FEET or REALISTIC PROPORTIONS, but I keep him around out of PITY!
We brought someone also! If we’re to transport THIS MUCH CASH back to Ross, we need some PROTECTION! We brought along our pal VIC MACKEY, the disgraced, murdering cop formerly of the L.A.P.D., for SECURITY!
The Goddamn Frank Miller knows a SET-UP when he SEES ONE. Something was TWITCHY about this greasy Mexican MANUEL DOS TACOS…Sure, he smelled like PUSSY and DAY-OLD FRIJOLES, but there was something eerily FAMILIAR about him. Fuck it! I needed ANSWERS! I ripped the BAD TOUPEE off his head...
What the fuck? TWO LEX LUTHORS? What the hell are you trying to PULL here?
Frank Miller wants some GODDAMN ANSWERS! TALK, before I STUCCO my walls with your BRAINS!
MILLER, you’ve become a pathetic PARODY of YOURSELF—as the ridiculous ALL-STAR BATMAN and ROBIN and your shitty SPIRIT movie ATTEST! We’re here to FIX the CURRENT STATE of COMICS-- first by eliminating YOU, and then your pal ALEX ROSS!
Playtime's over, Mickey Spillane! Drop the gun, and back away from Luthor!
You three KOJACKS must have me confused with a GENUINE TOUGH GUY! No one FLEES more like a TOTAL PUSSY when confronted by a real-life ASSKICKING better than FRANK MILLER!
STOP him, BENTON QUEST-- before he makes his shitty cinematic version of BUCK ROGERS!!! With Wilma Deering as an INTERSTELLAR HOOKER, KILLER KANE as an CANNIBAL, and Twiki as a ROBOT RAPIST!
BLOODY HELL! Frank Miller has ESCAPED!
What do we do with THIS talentless fuck? Newsflash, Liefeld… the 90s are OVER and so are YOU!
Please don’t KILL ME, MACKEY! ROB LIEFELD DOES have ONE remaining talent!
…I managed to get to the ROOF… That’s when I ran into my old PLAYMATE, THE SPIRIT… I guess he was pissed I wrote him all kinds of shitty dialogue like “My city screams. She is my mother. She is my lover, and I am her Spirit!”
Anyway, Colt caught up to me and tossed me like a sack of rotting, worm-filled trash. That’s how I ended up THIRTY STORIES below…
Oh shit. The SPIRIT was coming this way to FINISH ME OFF. Thankfully, COMIC DEATHS aren’t permanent…
Wait, was he MOONING ME? Why is he SQUATTING? NO! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
You want EDGY, Frank? HUMAN HEADS MOUNTED ON WALLS and BLACK MEN in NAZI UNIFORMS? I’ll give you EDGY!!! I’m going to do to YOU what you did to ME and WILL EISNER! HERE COMES THE CHOCOLATE THUNDER!
SPLAT.
SHAZZA-ZING!
I believe in AMERICA. AMERICA and MARVEL COMICS.
Let’s cut to the fucking CHASE, JESSE FALCON… You and GLADIATOR HULK attacked HASBRO. Last year you launched a competing “LEGENDARY COMIC BOOK HEROES” line of 6-INCH FIGURES. HASBRO is our PARTNER. And your actions are not good for BUSINESS!
GODFATHER! I created MARVEL LEGENDS…the GOLD STANDARD for ACTION FIGURE LINES. I invented the BUILD-A-FIGURE. I’m not going to LIE DOWN to those talentless HASBRO PIMPS! They’re KILLING THE LINE!!!
Yes, I know, Jesse. You were BELOVED by COMIC FANBOYS and INTERNET TOY EXPERTS. You were ACTION FIGURE ROYALTY.
“Were?”
We’re CANCELLING that LEGENDARY COMIC BOOK HEROES line of yours… Although I must admit, CONAN and MONKEYMAN were sweet. I want you to COOPERATE with HASBRO.
Godfather, ask me ANYTHING but THIS! I can’t become some NOBODY! Some LICENSING SHNOOK with a RUBBER STAMP!
I have a friend who has experience in EATING SHIT from MARVEL COMICS… He may be able to help you with this CAREER TRANSITION…
Face Front, TRUE BELIEVER!
STAN LEE? But I thought you were trapped on ZOMBIE EARTH?!!
Technically, I was! But they offered me a FIVE SPOT to show up in YOUR SATIRICAL STORYLINE and do a CAMEO! Smilin’ Stan would cut the ribbon at the opening to a PORT-A-JOHN if the price was RIGHT!
The truth is Jesse, nobody got treated like SHIT by MIGHTY MARVEL more than merry old me, PILGRIM! I had to SUE THEM in 2002 to get my RIGHTFUL PROFITS from their VARIOUS MOVIE ADAPTATIONS of MY CHARACTERS!
Did JACK KIRBY or STEVE DITKO get any of that money?
WHO? PRIDE is for LOSERS, JESSE! You need to learn how to LOSE YOUR DIGNITY! SELL whatever LEGACY you might have had for a CHEAP BUCK! You know, like Yours Truly did by hosting “WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?”
You don’t UNDERSTAND, STAN! MARVEL is a FUCKED UP PLACE! Someone needs to RIGHT THE SHIP! Joe Quesada runs endless event after event—none of it even makes SENSE! They even RETCONNED SPIDER-MAN’S MARRIAGE, a story that YOU YOURSELF first told in your SPIDER-MAN NEWSPAPER STRIP! I mean, did you even READ “ONE MORE DAY?”
AUNT MAY, DYING! I would give ANYTHING to SAVE HER! ANYTHING!
PETER PARKER! I can RESTORE your BELOVED AUNT MAY to LIFE! All I ask is that we UNDO your marriage to MARY JANE WATSON! It NEVER HAPPENED!
MARY JANE! Even though you’re a HOT PIECE OF ASS and my LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, I must save sweet AUNT MAY! Sure, she’s like 80 and has had like 5 HEART ATTACKS and will probably die NEXT WEEK from EMPHYSEMA, but it’s something I must DO!
Ummm… I don’t know what AUNT MAY puts in your WHEATCAKES, Petey, but even MEPHISTO thinks this is a BULLSHIT STORY! You’d trade that FINE SUPERMODEL ASS for a DECREPIT OLD BAG ?
Yes! If JOE QUESADA WILLS IT, then I value that MUSTY OLD GRANNY over my SMOKING HOT WIFE! DO IT, MEPHISTO! Create a BRAND NEW DAY!
In Quesada’s DESPERATION, GRAY and GREEN HULKS weren’t ENOUGH! He had JEPH LOEB create a RED ONE!
THOR, WAIT! Aren’t you UTTERLY FASCINATED with the “WHO IS THE RED HULK” storyline? It totally PWNS last year’s “WHO IS RONIN” storyline! WAIT! Come BACK!
Or what about SECRET INVASION?
ELEKTRA is a FILTHY SKRULL!
SECRET INVASION is JUST THE BEGINNING, HUMANS! For YEARS we SKRULLS have replaced VITAL MARVEL CHARACTERS like “JARVIS THE BUTLER” and “DUM DUM DUGAN!” Our IMPOSTERS are IMPOSSIBLE to DETECT, even to WOLVERINE!
Yeah, you actually had EARTH’S HEROES completely on the ROPES, so thanks for INEXPLICABLY RESUMING your NORMAL SKRULL APPEARANCES! Now whacking SKRULLS is like shooting FISH IN A BARREL! Christ, BENDIS, are you even TRYING anymore?
Frankly, KILLING SKRULLS is the NEXT BEST THING to MURDERING GWEN STACY!
EARTH FOOLS! You don’t get off THIS easily! Don’t you know no MEGA-CROSSOVER EVENT is COMPLETE unless a MAJOR CHARACTER DIES!
The WASP is DEAD—for 6 ISSUES AT LEAST! This will likely cost me my SHIELD DIRECTORSHIP! Now, NORMAN OSBORN, a convicted FELON, will run the MARVEL UNIVERSE in some twisted DARK REIGN! It’s a NEVER-ENDING CYCLE of WEAK TEA QUESADA “EVENTS!”
Sure, the past year of MARVEL has largely been CRAP. But STAN ”THE MAN” LEE WIPES HIS ASS with MARVEL COMICS, and you should too, JESSE! Excelsior!
From now on Jesse, EVERYTHING Hasbro produces will be in 3 and ¾ inch GIJOE/STAR WARS SCALE! And if you’re to stay on the MARVEL PAYROLL, we need your support in the TOY PRESS pimping this inexplicable move that no one asked for!
So, Jesse, do we have a deal?
Sure, Godfather… If it’s good for MARVEL CORPORATE, I’ll bend over for HASBRO and take it like a MAN!
SHAZZA-ZING!
ALEX ROSS and his KINGDOM COME REINFORCEMENTS have ARRIVED! COMMANDER JOHNS, REPORT!
LORD ALEX, the TOTHS were tougher than we ESTIMATED! OUR FORCES have been MASSACRED by their secret army of FWOOSHTARDS! Space Ghost, Jonny Quest, Blue Falcon, and Samurai still LIVE!
JOHNS, you USELESS SELLOUT! AS PUNISHMENT for your FAILURE, I will SADDLE a YEAR’S WORTH of your JSA COMICS with my OVEREXPOSED “KINGDOM COME” CHARACTERS like MAGOG! The ACTUAL JSA won’t be able to get a word in EDGEWISE!
ALL are POWERLESS against ME! Behold—“KINGDOM COME” BLUE BEETLE! I completely RE-USED this BRILLIANT DESIGN with a character called “SCARAB” in the pages of my comic PROJECT SUPERPOWERS! But DC will NEVER sue me over it…They don’t DARE!
MY obsession with taking credit for shit I liked as a child but had nothing to do with knows no BOUNDS! Behold “ALEX ROSS PRESENTS…FLASH GORDON!”
MAGOG! BLUE BEETLE! KINGDOM COME CAPTAIN ATOM! FLASH GORDON! Hunt down SPACE GHOST, JONNY QUEST and BLUE FALCON! Bring me their ENTRAILS on a PLATTER! When I’m done, JONNY will look like that cute MACAULAY CULKIN from those “HOME ALONE” movies that gave me such a chuckle, and BLUE FALCON will have BACNE, a COMBOVER, and SOFT POUTY LIPS, just like my DENTIST!
In the meantime, I will attend to freeing my beloved PAPPY ROSS from those wretched ALL-TOTHS!
SHAZZA-ZING!
PAPPY ROSS! OVER HERE! It’s Alex Ross’ girlfriend and now WIFE, T.J.! Although you know me as your fuck-buddy ZATANNA, since Alex re-designed her to look exactly like ME!
T.J.-- my SECRET LOVER! Even though you’re DAMN FUGLY, PAPPY ROSS needs to get his rocks off! I’ll have you out of that PRISON CELL in a JIFFY!
COME HERE LOVER! SLIP OLD PAPPY ROSS your SANDPAPERY TONGUE! CARESS MY LIVER SPOTS! Ahhhh—the MANY NIGHTS my DOPEY SON ALEX was hunched over his DRAWING BOARD, while I was in the other room SHOOTING MY ANCIENT GLUE all over your AMPLE BUTTOCKS!
PAPPY ROSS! T.J! WHAT THE HELL?
PAPPY, how long have you been FUCKING MY WIFE?
Ah, shut the fuck up, you whiny BRAT! CLARK ROSS has NEEDS! I’m a SEXUAL PANTHER! A SILVER-MANED PUSSYHOUND! If you can’t satisfy that BUTT-UGLY WIFE OF YOURS, then move aside for SOMEONE WHO CAN!
And frankly, I’m SO sick of your “photo-realistic” art I could PUKE! Why don’t you just PHOTOSHOP COSTUMES on your MAILMAN and POOLBOY, already! Not everyone you fucking MEET needs to be immortalized as a member of the JLA!
It’s about TIME PAPPY ROSS taught you a LESSON, BOY! CHEW ON MY BUSTER BROWNS, NERDBOY!
You’ve had this ASSKICKING coming for a LONG TIME, OLD MAN! I’m no longer some fatass kid being mocked in gym class for his SUPERFRIENDS OBSESSION! ALEX ROSS RUNS THE DC UNIVERSE! This time it’s you and me, PAPPY—to the DEATH!
PATHETIC. You didn’t REALLY think you’d get away with it, did you ROSS?
Stop bludegoning me with that CLUB for a fucking SECOND, ALEX! It’s that hippy dirtball ALAN MOORE!
Alex Ross! Did you really think you and DC-writer-in-exile MARK WAID would get away with RIPPING OFF my 1987 outline for “TWILIGHT of the SUPERHEROES,” calling it “KINGDOM COME” and Alan Moore wouldn’t call you on your UNORIGINAL SHIT?
Yes, my IDIOT SON ripped you OFF! So FUCKING WHAT? What are you and the NAKED BLUE BITCH going to do about it, you EGGHEADED HIPPY? Maybe you'll WHINE LIKE STUCK WHORES-- same as you've been doing in those interviews about that stupid WATCHMEN MOVIE!
That FUCKING MOVIE is INFANTILE SHIT! Sure, I filmed some Rorschach scenes myself in a little-seen documentary some 20 years ago that nobody seems to bring up, but that's before I decided my SACRED TEXT was UNFILMABLE! And when I find that MTV HACK ZACK SNYDER, I'm going to personally recreate the scene where the COMEDIAN RAPES SILK SPECTRE!
Alan, shall I OBLITERATE the OLD GEEZER "Rorschach-Style" for his insolence?
No need, Dr. Manhattan! Verily, V for Vendetta and Alan Moore’s vicious viper will vanquish this varicose-veined vermin!
NO!!! Stay away from my PAPPY you VILE LIMEYS! He's MINE!!!
The geriatric old fuck PAPPY ROSS' fate shall be the same as yours! DR. MANHATTAN—KILL ALEX ROSS!
TO BE CONTINUED...
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